Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog