you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.