I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year