so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
