She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They took my balls.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
