yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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