i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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