billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
