Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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