I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
