I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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