I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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