he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
