i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
