I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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