new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
