Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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