I wish I could teleport
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
