speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I fill condoms, not promises.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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