I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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