I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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