I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
