I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
