Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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