"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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