you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
