Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
