I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
