I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
