My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
