i just sent this text using only my big toe
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
