Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
