I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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