I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
