My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
