Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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