Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
