Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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