She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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