OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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