literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
