Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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