I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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