3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
