Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
