i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
