Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
