You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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