A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
