saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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