His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
