did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
ttyl tear gas
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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