Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
