You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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