he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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