O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
