her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need water and some morals
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
